i can't believe i had my finger in that
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
