I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
