Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
