They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
