I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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