I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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