My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
