Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
