I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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