Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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