I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you inspire me to be a worse person
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
