So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
