And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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