Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
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This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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