Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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