After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
