dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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