It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
