Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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