everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
