I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
