do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
