running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
