I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
