I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
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Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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