yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
