Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
