Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She even gives head with a lisp.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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