Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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