erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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