How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Church boner. Awkwardddd
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
