I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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