On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm bleeding and have questions
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
