I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
