Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
