im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Someone came in the potted fern
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
