When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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