No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
