Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
