Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
