He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
is wine microwaveable?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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