just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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