toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
