So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
