Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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