I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
