I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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