Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
