The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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