I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
