Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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