Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
