i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
