I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
