i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
