Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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